Day 6 of homelessness - Panic attacks.....

........how do you avoid them?

Today I feel that panic could engulf me entirely if I let my guard down for a moment. I have 2 nights left here at my daughters - and then it's onwards into the unknown.

I have the promise of a few weeks work in a hospital in Plymouth - a 6 hour drive away from here, which happens to come with accommodation. After that who knows.

Panic has inspired long periods of introspection today - trying to identify what it really is I'm afraid of.  I now think I know how it must feel when your house is blown away by a tornado or burns to the ground - Ok, perhaps these are extreme examples, but even so, I believe this feeling of rootlessness and loss, is universal.

So many times over the past few days I have caught myself thinking 'I must do this or that, or find something........when I get home', Each time I catch my breath and a wave of fear passes over me. There is no home. There is no place to return to. There is no longer any place where I might feel safe. There is no place where I can slump on the sofa, throw my slippers off and be myself. And worse there is no little dog to talk to and make everything feel almost bearable.

If only I had written this blog yesterday! Yesterday the sun was shining and I was watching my grandchildren play happily in the park. Yesterday I felt positive and almost happy; anything was possible and everything was going to be alright.

Today is different....I thought it was Thursday. I thought I had three more nights here and that seemed just enough to make another adjustment to my emotional compass. Three more nights would have done it. I would have been ready. When I discovered it was Friday - which wasn't actually until half an hour ago - a black hollowness appeared in the pit of my stomach. Two more nights and I will have to venture out and face the world again. Two more nights and the business of 'getting on with it' would really begin.....every time I think of this the panic rises.

I've cried a lot tonight. Grieving for everything I've lost: my home, my savings, my good reputation, my perfect credit score, my dog, my security, the life where I was an professional, independent woman. I've been reduced to this by someone I trusted without question.

What's left is a dogged determination to retain my sanity and sense of humour - and though the latter is making only brief appearances at present, I'm hopeful that will change soon.